I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
