I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
