the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
