Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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