I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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