im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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