I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
