I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
