My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
