i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
