you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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