I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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