I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
