I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
