My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
