i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
