She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
