You made me cry and you don't even care
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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