Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
