i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
