never play flip cup with pint glasses
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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