dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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