Dude my mom stole all your condoms
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
