We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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