So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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