'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
