Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
