Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
