He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
