I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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