Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
