Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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