i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
