Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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