Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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