oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
