Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just want nice things and good sex
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
