3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
