hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
