I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
