Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
