On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That accounts for only three of the penises
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
