i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
