i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
