4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
