Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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