i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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