She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
