I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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