I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
