I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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