so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
