I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
